Monday, 19 July 2010

A Mother & her Fat Daughter...

Everyone has been criticised by their mother, some more than others, and at times it can be painful to be judged by the person who is meant to love you unconditionally. I was inspired to write about this, after seeing Lu's post "This must be what Prozac feels like" and the monumental responses.

I've been criticised by my mom on many occasions. She is very outspoken, to the point of being too blunt. I've always been fat, even when I was skinny I was bigger than the average kid. My mom often pokes fun at my size, and although I'm older sometimes it still hurts. It hurts because I feel like I'm not the daughter she could be proud of, sometimes I feel like I let her down because of my size. When I was younger I took it to heart very seriously, I felt like an embrassment to her, and for the longest time I believed that because she did make fun of me. I got teased enough at school, I didn't expect my mom to be one of the "mean kids" at home. But she would always tell me she was joking and how much she loved me, and how beautiful I was. I was conflicted at a early age, I don't think she was aware of the damage she was causing. Now when she points out that I'm "fat" or a "sumo wrestler" etc I shrug it off (depending on my mood). Me and my mom are close, we have our ups & downs, and I know that she loves me, but sometimes I wish she knew that her words are like a slap in the face at times. I wonder does she even see past my size, I am more that just "fat".

While most people would love to have the acceptance of their mother (which I do, I think?), I realise that my self - acceptance is more important than anyone else's. Blogging has helped me in more ways than one, many of the things I've encountered, you all have too, and while I find it sad that so many of us have been ridiculed by our mother's; I'm glad to know you can relate (I'm always finding a silver lining lol).

I'm so glad I started blogging, you all are so genuine and while I haven't met you yet, I feel so connected with you all. You have turned into my support system, you cheer me up when I'm down, and continue to inspire me. Each and every single one of you is beautiful, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. I'm truly blessed, I've found a community that supports me & allows me to express myself freely. Hopefully one day all of us will be able to meet in person, I think that would be alot of fun. :)

God Bless,


elise said...

Dear One,

Yes your mother has done you an injustice. It is your Right as a child to be love unconditionally. I have had the misfortune of living with a very complex mother. I understand. You feel conflicted and probably try over and over to please her to no avail. It's not you. You are More than your looks, what makes us beautiful and I sincerely mean it, is who we are and what we do. Think of who you think has been the most beautiful woman in your life. Chances are it isn't what you would think , right? As difficult it is for me to say this I believe your mothers problem isn't you at all. It's herself. You will never change her, allowing her to continue to be this way is something you can take control of, I did. I after yrs. of crying and hurting deeply,being torn inside with such grief of not finding the "correct" way to deal with the situation even having seeking councilling I finally was able to do the impossible. To dare to believe it wasn't me. Not speaking up even in a polite way to her "because I loved her,and felt I didn't want to hurt her". I did apply what was suggested. Which was when I received a phone call and usually listened to all the insulting and hurtful things she would unleash on me,(and believe me this was hard,almost close for me to do) I said to her that really is not very nice of you to say. I would listen to her make it sound again like it was my fault (whatever her bitch of me lately was) and I would repeat to her that she was upsetting me so I told her I was going to hang up and she could call me another time when she had something kinder to say to me. In other words I took control and didn't allow her to twist my words,use words against me,or make me feel guilty because I was not accomodating her bad behavior. Each time she called me it was the same thing and it got easier for me to say it. I didn't get angry I just didn't allow her to talk to me as she had in the past. I was still polite,but when I get one of "those" calls I began to seperate myself by telling her, "I'm sorry,this is upsetting me so I'm hanging up now and Do It.
A friend of mine I met online had this problem as well and gave me this link I'm suggesting to you, maybe it will be helpful . Finally, I felt OMG,I'm not alone,I'm not crazy.
My heart is broken for you,and I will pray for you. You can be free in this,just realize you are the adult,unfortunately she is childish.
(sorry about the long comment)You are not alone Lacara.

Jennifer aka. Jasifer said...

you're beautiful, and thanks for sharing this post. I couldn't feel more with you, I totally know how it is....hugs and lots of love.

Fashion Butter said...

Thanks for sharing this post. I know this topic really hits home for so many of us.

Adri said...

waoh thank you for that post. This is a very touchy subject for some of us. Love

... said...

it's sad y'know, I always expect parents to be more responsible about what they say to us but they're human I guess. Again, you're wise beyond your age and I'm glad you know the importance of self acceptance. it's not easy but it's worth it. I'm glad we're there for each other *hugs*

LaCara said...

Thank you so much ladies!

@ Elise - thank you for your kind words. And I'm sorry that your mother doesn't treat you with respect. But I'm glad to hear that you've taken control. You're an extraordinary woman. :)

@ Jennifer - thank you my love :)

@ Fashion Butter - thank you, and it truly does.

@ Andri - thank you honey, it is very touchy, but we must talk about it in order to get over it.

@ Lu - I think it's hard in general to be human, so manage it better that others I suppose. Thank you, but I'm still learning, and I'm learning from the best (you & the other bloggers). I am definitely here for you, anytime! Sending you love and positive vibes hun! :)

I love you all! :D

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